Tackling Cat Gravity

Today we are going to talk about Cat Gravity. I have been working on some additions and variations to the original theory and would like to share them with you. Most importantly, I have developed a method for escaping from underneath a high-gravity cat.

First, a quick refresher on Newton's law of Universal Gravitation:
The force of gravity acts between two objects, proportional to their masses and the distance between them. So, the closer two objects are to each other, the more they pull on each other. Also, a bigger object "pulls more" than a smaller object.*

*Really the force on both objects is the same, but the equal force has a larger effect on the smaller object due to its smaller mass and this makes it seem like bigger objects pull harder than smaller ones.

For example, the Earth and the moon both exert an equal gravitational force on each other. The Earth is quite a bit bigger than the moon, so the pull of gravity from the Earth causes the moon to stay in orbit around the Earth. However, the moon pulls with equal force on the Earth, but the force isn't big enough to move the entire Earth. Instead we get ocean tides due to the pull of the moon's gravity.

So, applying this to a case of cat gravity, you see that the cat gravity pulls on the Earth as well as on any human that may be trapped by the cat. The increased gravity in the cat is not only acting downward towards the Earth, but also pulling on any object near the cat. The closer the cat is to you, the stronger the gravitational force. This may explain why you often find yourself unexpected trapped by a cat. "Wait, how did this happen?" you may ask yourself when you look down and discover you are now stuck by cat gravity. Well, the attractive gravitational forces between you and the cat pulled the cat unto your lap. One must be very diligent in order to successfully fight against the powers of cat gravity.

Thankfully, cat gravity is weaker than the Earth's gravity. If this were not the case, then all sorts of objects would be attracted to the cat when its gravity levels are high. Luckily the combination of the Earth's gravitational pull and friction generally keep household objects in place. Also, when trapped with a cat on your lap, you may have noticed that the cat doesn't FEEL significantly heavier than you expect. This is because the added force of cat gravity acting downward to the Earth isn't the main force at play here.* The bigger issue you must overcome is the gravitational force between you and the cat.

*Note: This theory is vastly different than Wood's original theory of cat gravity and represents an alternative theory to the original. Much work is required before we know for sure which theory better explains the phenomenon of cat gravity.

When a cat is on your lap, the distance between the two objects (you and the cat) is basically zero, meaning that the force between you and the cat is nearly infinite.* THIS is why it is so hard for you to remove the cat from your own lap. Additionally, the cat sneakily traps you in a way that you must depend on arm strength alone to overcome the force between you and the cat. This same attractive force between you and the cat is also what makes it so difficult to stand up. The attractive force is so strong that you have effectively become one object with a new mass distribution. With a cat stuck to your lap by a nearly infinite force of cat gravity, your center of mass is suddenly significantly skewed towards your thighs. Of COURSE its hard to stand up with all this mass in the "wrong" place.

*Note: The gravitational constant of cat gravity is much smaller than that of the Earth's gravity. Also, the mass of the Earth is much MUCH larger than the mass of a human. This explains why the Earth's gravity can overcome even "nearly infinite" forces of cat gravity acting between a cat and a human. The Earth's gravitational force acting on the cat is always larger than even the strongest force of cat gravity acting between cat and human. This is why cats like laps so much. In this position, the human is trapped by both the cat-gravity-center-of-mass-skew phenomena described above and the Earth's gravity pulling down on both cat and human. 

This also helps to explain why it is so hard for you to remove a cat from your own lap, but it is quite easy for someone else to remove a cat from your lap (or for you to remove a cat from someone else's lap.) When the second person gets close enough, cat gravity attracts the cat to both people. This force pulling in the opposite direction reduces the force that must be applied to the cat in order to remove it from Person A (who was previously trapped-by-cat.) Person B is able to make use of physical strength other than arm-only dead lifting, plus make use of the attractive force now pulling the cat towards themselves. You can now see why Person B can easily remove the cat. Person B then has the option to either keep the cat or make use of the Earth's stronger gravitational force in order to put down the cat. Because the Earth's gravity is so much stronger than cat gravity, it can be used to assist in removing the cat. As you will see later, this is the key to escaping cat gravity.

Before we discuss the escape method, we must discuss an important safety issue. There is a serious risk involved with overcoming the force of cat gravity between you and the cat. Improper cat removal often leads to Claw Related Injuries (CRIes.) If you are strong enough to simply stand up with your new skewed center of mass, then the Earth's gravity will take over and pull the cat to the floor. This is known as the "Brute Strength Stand Up (BSSU) method. If you can achieve BSSU, you will be free. However, the cat will be confused and will struggle to know up from down. The nearly infinite force of cat gravity pulling the cat to you will still be acting on the cat until the Earth's gravity takes over and when the Earth's gravity does take over, the cat will want to stay attached to you instead of being pulled to the ground. In its fear and confusion of what is happening, it is likely to try to cling to you, often leading to a CRI. CRIes can range from minor scratches to more severe scratches requiring medical attention. Therefore, it is best to avoid CRIes whenever possible.

You might also be tempted to make use of the Earth's gravitational force by "dumping" the cat onto the couch next to you via twisting your lap one way or the other, also called a "Tilt and Dump" (T&D.) The TDE's experimentation in this area found that the strength of the force of cat gravity acting between human and cat requires that the lap angle to be tilted to near 90 degrees before the Earth's gravity begins to have any effect at all. This then creates a situation very similar to the BSSU method described above. The risk of CRIes is too high in both BSSU and T&D for either to be a viable solution to trapped-by-cat situations. Additionally, a T&D often leads to immediate cat gravity re-attraction due to the small distance between cat and human after a T&D. For these reasons, neither the T&D method or the BSSU method are recommended.

So, HOW do you escape cat gravity?

First of all, this escape should only be used when absolutely required. If the cat learns this behavior, it will be able to suspect your escape ahead of time. The pull of cat gravity is emotional as well as physical. The cat will not want to leave your lap. Once your cat has learned the escape behavior well enough to predict what is coming, it could lead to panic and unexpected CRIes. This means that if you are in a trapped-by-cat situation while another person is in the room with you, that person is still obligated by the rules of cat gravity to bring you food and drink. For safety reasons, you must only use this method when no other option is available to you.

The TDE's Cat Gravity Escape Method consists of 3 simple steps:
1) Pull the cat towards your center of mass
2) Stand up
3) Use the force of the Earth's gravity to set the cat down


Please note that I have never claimed this to be an "easy" way to escape cat gravity. There is NO easy way to do this. I believe the emotional pull of cat gravity plays a large role in the difficulty. All three steps described above are quite difficult to execute both emotionally and physically. However, the TDE's experimentation has found this to be a reliable and safe method when escape is required. Below is a more detailed explanation including pictures so you can better understand the process.

The Tap Dancing Engineer's Cat Gravity Escape Method:
First, prepare yourself emotionally. Is this escape absolutely required? Is there any way to avoid it? If not, take a deep breath and get ready. Some people find it helpful to apologize to the cat just prior to escaping. The TDE recommends that this only be used when first learning the escape method. If overused, it could cause the cat to learn and predict the escape method more quickly. We have already discussed the dangers associated with the cat predicting your escape.

Next, prepare yourself physically. Sit up straight. Take another deep breath (but not too obviously as we don't want the cat to learn this predictive behavior either.) Free both arms and remove any nearby objects that could be an obstacle. Move slowly as you do not want to startle the cat.

Execute step one: Using both arms, lean over and envelop the cat (placing your hands near your knees) and slide (or rotate) it upwards towards your torso. Because you are not breaking the connection between you and the cat, you should be able to slide the cat along your body. Think of two magnets that are difficult to separate, but can slide along each other. The force of gravity between you and the cat is similar. Again, this will be challenging, but much easier than trying to actually remove the cat from your body.

Once you have pulled the cat towards your torso, pause. Depending on the personality of your cat, you may want to spend 30 seconds to a minute here. For some cats, this disruption will be enough to cause them to leave on their own. However, these cats are generally not high-gravity cats. People who often find themselves in severe trapped-by-cat situations typically have higher-gravity cats who will not walk off at this point in the process. What you do in this pause depends on your cat. The TDE has found snuggling the cat at this point leads to a false sense of security and helps to avoid CRIes.


Execute step two: Keep your arms wrapped around the cat, holding it near your stomach with your arms below/around the cat. Move yourself forward to the edge of your seat slowly and carefully. Take a deep breath in and then exhale while you stand up. This is probably the most difficult step in the process. Take your time. Do not attempt to stand up until you are sure you are ready. Failure at this point may lead to you and the cat tumbling to the ground or to a startled cat and CRIes.

Again, depending on your cat, you may want to pause here. The TDE's cat can again be lulled into a false sense of security by some snuggling. The pauses also help the keep the cat from learning the steps of the process too quickly.


Finally, execute step three: This step will feel easy after completing step two, but it is still difficult. You should vary how you set the cat down to prevent it from learning the behavior too quickly. Sometimes turn and set the cat down where you were sitting. Other times, you should walk a few steps and set the cat down on the ground or on a different piece of furniture. You may want to put the cat in a cat bed or near a favorite toy to distract it from what is happening. Sometimes you should walk around holding the cat for a minute or two before setting it down. The hardest part of this step will be pulling the cat away from your body (breaking the cat gravity bond between you and the cat.) However, this is easier than trying to lift the cat while seated as the Earth's gravity will be assisting instead of hindering the process. Once you have added some amount of distance between you and the cat, the Earth's gravity will take over and it should be relatively easy to set down the cat.


As soon as you have set down the cat, move yourself away from the cat. Walk briskly, but do not run. You need to increase the distance between you and the cat quickly to prevent cat gravity re-attachment. However, running away will startle the cat and the key to this method is keeping the cat calm and unaware of what is happening until its over. So, set down the cat and move away quickly but calmly.

Once away from the cat, take some time to recover mentally and physically from your ordeal. This is not easy, but is sometimes necessary. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts!

Yes there IS a Halloween blanket on my couch. In January.

And yes, that IS an Albert Einstein doll and a clock with the first 12 elements on it. Because science!

The TDE would like to thank Wood et al. for their original work on cat gravity. Without this work, my above theories and methods would not be possible. If you'd like to learn more about their work, there's a book.